Sometimes I look back at some of my old blog posts and am impressed with the strength and resilience that my words conveyed.
I used to be a fighter.
Oh, I had my dark moments, just like anyone else. But rather than have the “why me” attitude, I tried to adopt the “there is a lesson in all of this and I will come back stronger” one instead. I was positive, and my glass was half full (most of the time).
Somewhere along the way, I lost her.
And I desperately want to get it back, because being the girl who feels defeated and unlucky is draining. It’s not fair to my friends and family. It’s not fair to myself.
For the past year and a half, I’ve been battling repeated eczema attacks that have taken a severe mental toll. It would be one thing if the eczema were on parts of my body that I could hide, like my legs, or my stomach. But when I break out, it’s all over my face, neck, and shoulders. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. My face is hot to touch, I have a dull headache all day from my throbbing skin, and I feel self-conscious because I know my skin is red, swollen, puffy, blotchy, and as rough as sand paper. When it gets this bad, it’s extremely hard to go into work. It’s hard to focus in meetings because I just want to hide in the shadows. I’ve had eczema my whole life, but I was able to control it and minimize out breaks like this for the most part until the past year or so. I don’t know what has changed, but I can’t handle it anymore.
Since February, I’ve been dealing with injury after injury. After my first in February, I may have had to take time off running, but my motivation levels were high and I crosstrained like a champ and cheered at all the races I could no longer run. After my second injury in May, I was a little upset, but I managed to pull it together and fall in love with running again. By my third one, I just felt devastated. I threw my usual pity party for the first week, but when it should have stopped, it lingered for several more weeks. I couldn’t pull myself out of this one.
I’ve been lucky that some of my running friends have crossed over into real friends. But, some didn’t cross over. I took it personally. It hurts when you realize that some of your friendships are based around convenience. What happens when you’re down and out and can’t participate in the activity that brought you together? It also turns out, that when you’re down and out, everything feels 10x worse than they actually are.
10 long weeks have passed and I still can’t hop on my injured leg without feeling a sharp pain in my ankle. With this latest eczema attack on my face and neck, I’m finally realizing that I need some help. My body is literally falling apart.
I’m going to start with seeing a Naturopathic Doctor who can hopefully help me manage my eczema once and for all. And I guess EVENTUALLY, I’ll be able to hop on that leg and entertain the idea of running again. I hope the universe decides to let me run again, soon. Cross training this time around just doesn’t have the same effect.
And somehow, I’m going to find that feisty little fighter in me and stop playing the victim. I really, really, will. TBD on timing. Positive thoughts.